“I want to kiss you now, but it smells like cheese in here.”
I knew The Back-up Plan wasn’t for me by the opening shot (which follows a crudely done animated sequence that nevertheless nicely summarizes the movie’s backstory): a lingering shot of Jennifer Lopez’s in-need-of-a-pedicure feet, elevated in the air as a sperm bank doctor injects her with semen.
Apologies to Quentin Tarantino and other directors with a foot fetish, but close-ups of feet – even those connected to beautiful women – just ain’t sexy when they’re projected up on the cinema screen.
Feet, however, were the least of my worries. By the end of the film I had witnessed the most tasteless PG-13 birth scene imaginable, as a woman crouches on all fours in a kiddie pool half-full of water, bleats like a goat, relieves herself in the water, and pumps out the baby’s head – which we see in a mirrored reflection – like she’s dropping a deuce.
Yes, this is played for comedy. For comparison’s sake, the birth scene in Freddy Got Fingered – where Tom Green swings a newborn around the room by its umbilical cord – was more tastefully done.
But back to the basics: the rest of the film isn’t nearly as noteworthy. Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) is a lonely pet shop owner (complete with a handicapped dog that rolls itself around on wheels and provides the requisite reaction shots) who hasn’t found the right man and, biological clock ticking, decides to artificially inseminate herself.
Stan (Alex O’Loughlin) is a gruff farmer’s market goat cheese salesman. They meet one rainy day when they both get in the same cab and blame each other for stealing their ride. No, don’t tell me. You’ve seen that one before.
So Zoe and Stan start off on the wrong note. It only lasts 10 minutes, for which I was eternally grateful; I cannot take another movie where the unlikable romantic leads bicker at one another for an hour before realizing what we have known since the trailer, which is that they’re really in love.
Of course, this being a contemporary romantic comedy, the story arc is dictated by some kind of bickering: in this case, because Zoe isn’t exactly sure that this guy she literally just met is ready to drop everything and become a father for her future children.
In reality, sure, this is a concern. In the view of The Back-up Plan: what a bitch. Stan is portrayed as the ultimate nice guy, doing everything he possibly can and then some out of what I guess is supposed to be ‘love’. Zoe is a paranoid airhead ready to dump his ass for the wrong choice of words.
You might have guessed it: The Back-up Plan isn’t exactly a beacon of originality. Throughout the running time we’re treated to every cliché in the book, involving pregnancy (morning sickness, binge eating, fainting at the sight of birth) or rom-com formula (meet cute, fear of commitment, break-up and back-together) or anything else (city girl on the farm, kooky old folks, doggie cutaways). At one point, a rogue conga line breaks out and envelopes our characters before they’re able to do whatever it is they had to do. I hate it when that happens.
Director Alan Poul had previously found success as a producer-director on TV (Six Feet Under). So did O’Loughlin, who I liked on The Shield. And just ten years ago, Jennifer Lopez was a talented young actress working with Steven Soderbergh, Oliver Stone, Bob Rafelson.
The Back-up Plan, a formula romantic comedy more transparent than most and usually offensively so, does no favors to anyone involved.
